it's a sad life..
I was just checking friendster.. nothing to check much actually.. nobody gives me messages, nobody checks my profie out, nobody bothers about what pics i've put up. ah what the heck, do i really care?
thing is, I do. A bit.
I know most part of me don't really care much about this kind of thing. sometimes i'm the kind who doesn't really care much about what other people think, just wanna get stuff done first. But most of the time, i try to be emphatic, i try to be sensitive..try to bother about what other people think. and that's when i wonder why they do certain things, which reflect what they think.
Anyway, as i was saying, i was just checking friendster and checking out all the pics of my friends.. they and their other friends... I was being ambitious and hoped to find my pic in one any of my friend's pics.. but to no avail. Then i was also thinking that why i hardly put pics of me and my friends.. maybe cos i was attached and filled the bulk of my pics of me and boyfriend. so then i thought, hmmm, if i had no boyfriend, who would be in my pics? who are my close friends who give me good memories?
but what bothered me most was .. in any of my friend's pics.. how come i wasn't in any of them.. issit cos i haven't taken any pics with them? no. I've taken quite a number of them.
it's like, why am i not in those pics of whom i would add in my pics? i.e. , if i consider them as close and great friends, i'll wanna show them off in my pictures, but why aren't i in their's?
this made me reflect on myself again. on me as a whole again. my character, my personality, my idiosyncrasies, my flaws, my mistakes, my tactlessness and everything. this reminded me of my past, when i was also shunned by my primary school mates. my parents ever warned me of my mistakes, and explained that those could be the cause of why i've not many close friends.
sigh. i really just feel like wallowing in self-pity right now, which is exactly what i'm doing here. I know it's useless - i won't feel any better after complaining. it's not like crying, at least after you cry you'll feel better and the problem seems slightly clearer or something.. now it's like. . argh. the problem has been with me since a long time ago.
why don't people wanna go out with me? why won't people wanna have dinner with me? issit simply cos i'm attached? can't be what, i've got friends who are attached too and they've got hell a lot of people who wanna be with them. so attached - out. so, is the problem with them? or ME? chances are, the problem's with ME. I've seen the trend there ever since young. the curse has been following me ever since till now. I'm definitely to blame - at least a part.
*just let me ruminate a bit more..*
I hate myself.
Why am i such a loser?
Why do i often feel alone?
Am I really that unattractive?
Do i repel people?
Why don't friends tease me or make fun of me?
Am i boring?
Why nobody jio's me for lunches/coffees/breaks/partying/surprise parties (you know how much i love surprises!! both for others and myself..)/for anything?!
why don't i have people i know whom i can call my close friends? those that i can call in the middle of the night and bitch about something that bothered me during the day? those that would do likewise to me, without the fear of a rejection? why don't i have friends whom i can go shopping with ? whom i always call to chat?
k i think i may be asking for a bit too much. like i'm trying to be miss popularity. yeah, i've never gotten that feeling. I know many others too. like i said, i'm just wallowing in self-pity. It's a kind of a defense mechanism you know.. hey, what do you know, i do feel better already..
(p.s.: i didn't mean a lot of things that i just said.. it's just to let out some steam...)
thing is, I do. A bit.
I know most part of me don't really care much about this kind of thing. sometimes i'm the kind who doesn't really care much about what other people think, just wanna get stuff done first. But most of the time, i try to be emphatic, i try to be sensitive..try to bother about what other people think. and that's when i wonder why they do certain things, which reflect what they think.
Anyway, as i was saying, i was just checking friendster and checking out all the pics of my friends.. they and their other friends... I was being ambitious and hoped to find my pic in one any of my friend's pics.. but to no avail. Then i was also thinking that why i hardly put pics of me and my friends.. maybe cos i was attached and filled the bulk of my pics of me and boyfriend. so then i thought, hmmm, if i had no boyfriend, who would be in my pics? who are my close friends who give me good memories?
but what bothered me most was .. in any of my friend's pics.. how come i wasn't in any of them.. issit cos i haven't taken any pics with them? no. I've taken quite a number of them.
it's like, why am i not in those pics of whom i would add in my pics? i.e. , if i consider them as close and great friends, i'll wanna show them off in my pictures, but why aren't i in their's?
this made me reflect on myself again. on me as a whole again. my character, my personality, my idiosyncrasies, my flaws, my mistakes, my tactlessness and everything. this reminded me of my past, when i was also shunned by my primary school mates. my parents ever warned me of my mistakes, and explained that those could be the cause of why i've not many close friends.
sigh. i really just feel like wallowing in self-pity right now, which is exactly what i'm doing here. I know it's useless - i won't feel any better after complaining. it's not like crying, at least after you cry you'll feel better and the problem seems slightly clearer or something.. now it's like. . argh. the problem has been with me since a long time ago.
why don't people wanna go out with me? why won't people wanna have dinner with me? issit simply cos i'm attached? can't be what, i've got friends who are attached too and they've got hell a lot of people who wanna be with them. so attached - out. so, is the problem with them? or ME? chances are, the problem's with ME. I've seen the trend there ever since young. the curse has been following me ever since till now. I'm definitely to blame - at least a part.
*just let me ruminate a bit more..*
I hate myself.
Why am i such a loser?
Why do i often feel alone?
Am I really that unattractive?
Do i repel people?
Why don't friends tease me or make fun of me?
Am i boring?
Why nobody jio's me for lunches/coffees/breaks/partying/surprise parties (you know how much i love surprises!! both for others and myself..)/for anything?!
why don't i have people i know whom i can call my close friends? those that i can call in the middle of the night and bitch about something that bothered me during the day? those that would do likewise to me, without the fear of a rejection? why don't i have friends whom i can go shopping with ? whom i always call to chat?
k i think i may be asking for a bit too much. like i'm trying to be miss popularity. yeah, i've never gotten that feeling. I know many others too. like i said, i'm just wallowing in self-pity. It's a kind of a defense mechanism you know.. hey, what do you know, i do feel better already..
(p.s.: i didn't mean a lot of things that i just said.. it's just to let out some steam...)
posted by michelle at 11:38 PM
2 Comments:
Are you looking for answers or are you just lamenting..hoping that one of your "close friends" will eventually read your messages and do something. Anyway, a friend who wants your friendship will tell you stuff...but only if you've got the guts to listen to the truth. sometimes, its not "errors"... its just your choice of "friends".
wake up. if you care what others think...then be honest. stop contradicting yourself.
you know, you kinda give me an impression that you're helping me, yet insulting me at the same time.
what do you mean by being honest? Yes over here I was 'lamenting', rather, whining.
I very well have woken up already, if not, I won't admit that I'm wallowing in self-pity - and enjoying it. I know what i'm doing and yet still want to do it - get it?
No, sometimes i rather not want those 'close friends' of mine read this, cos it'll be rather embarrassing. But they DON'T read this anyway..so it's kinda safe..
Argh, can we just drop this? I was (still am) in one of my down-est days and the last thing I need is something that wacks me. I'll wack myself later ok? I can do that pretty well. thanks anyway.
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