I'm. BACK.

It's been 6 years.

I work in Google now - and I just realized this is a Google product. haha.

Maybe I'll pick this up again. hmm.

I'm gonna be marrying a Taleban.

Was just having a casual routine crazy car-conversation with my dad yesterday.

Somehow, out of the blue he said that he pities my future bf/husband.

Obviously, innocently I was like, 'why Dad, why? Hmm?' *blink blink*

He said I'm such a torturous and terrible gf that the one who's gonna be my bf has gotta be prepared for battle..gotta be strong, able to withstand high levels of destruction (emotional and mental) and pain. Preferably having gone through a commando course..who's gone through serious training..not afraid to DIE cos dating me would mean DEATH.. Then he went on to say that he'll audition the unfortunate applicants before they date me, to 'stamp and approve' of their ability before they embark on their journey with me.

Of course, all this was said with FULL of love and affection in the car.....
...and with me screaming and laughing my head off in the passenger seat, eyes squashed closed and all.

"I must make sure he's the General of the army," my dad proudly continued, "maybe he can run very fast too - oh i know! He'll be from Africa!" Then we agreed he'll be from Jamaica, saying that he'll be running ahead of me on the ECP, dun need to take my car..also, I'll be taking his money for shoes - MY shoes, that is..

Then, it suddenly dawned on him.. "Aha!!" ..with a jumping 'eureka' effect in his voice. "I know who already. He'll definitely be ready for war, has withstood torture and pain in training.."

With compounded anticipation I was like, "huh? WHO?"

"The TALEBAN!"

My car door almost broke as I slapped it generously in aggravated amusement.

since it didn't rain..

Hi. I just want to account an illustration of how God displays his sense of humour.

Since it didn't rain for the past two days, i decided to wash my darling car lah. SO, i soaped so carefully not to scratch any inch of the beauty, washed off TWICE with the hose (plus using my hand to tenderly feel if there's any grains left on it) and proceeded to the drying.

Now, when i dry-off, i have a pail of water to rinse the cloth after about 1-2 wipes (so that the dirt from the wipe won't go and scratch the surface..yes i'm that anal). Skipping with glee in the blazing sun was I encircling my set of wheels to check - with utmost scrutiny - for any more wet spots (since my ipod was backing me with adrenaline-pumping numbers, which totally kept me going).

I circled my car THREE times.

When I was FINALLY satisfied and approved of what was done, i brought my stuff into my garage and packed. Now this is the part where you hold your breath.

JUST as i turned around to recapture a glimpse of my shining glory.........it starting drizzling.

No wait, it POURED...seconds after my first scream.

like...@#*&$^%*&@*$*&@!&% ????!!!?!?!

It was almost as if God was watching me with a cheeky grin, WAITING for me to FINISH everything sui sui, with a finger hovering a button called 'RAIN'. And when i'm not looking, PRESS.

OK, mind you, this is not the first time this has happened actually. It seems that I've a reputation of bringing rain whenever i wash my car. My maid actually STOPPED me for washing the car yet - cos she hasn't hung up the laundry.

There're many times when I didn't bother to wash cos i knew it'ld rain again.

But as my dad puts it, "Then don't ever wash your car! Cos, it'll rain another day, sooner or later!" For a moment, it sounded relieving, then it was frustrating.

I was at PLUCK (33 Haji Lane) the other day and i notice a quote on the mirror: "I detest narcissism, but I approve of vainity" (sorry forgot who the author was). It's vainity man, pure vainity. BECAUSE I want my car all shining a pretty so I wash it anyway. I always backed my actions with the excuse that I have to wash off the grains/dirt from the car, if not it'll stick on the paint and it'll be hard to remove at the next wash. How true? i dunno.

secret!

I've got a new crush! hee hee! ... not telling!...

i'm still here..

hi peeps-who-check-this-blog-once-in-a-while-after-Facebook (hee..).. Yeap i'm still here and very much alive. I kinda lost the will to blog the past year cos of what i've been going through but i guess i'm alright now!

Guess what, I've got a new car of my own! (yes Clare! come back and i'll drive you all around in it!) It's a black, Honda City..shiok..i love the wheels, upholstry and the fact that I can put whatever I want in it PERMANENTLY.. woo hoo!!

How's life been for me? Oh well I can very simply say that this year has passed SUPER fast for me.. Maybe it's cos I've been counting how many months i've been surviving single-hood... not that it's a bad thing.. but by counting the months, I realised I'm missing each day that I watch go pass. Now it's October already..reaching my b'day! which also means that Christmas is coming soon! It's been a full year since I started working full-time and it's been 6 mths since my break-up.

Sigh, yes, see? I still think about it. I'm actually over it and have actually moved on - in the sense that I don't have major meltdowns anymore or not at least that often.. And I'm looking forward to the next guy whom I'll probably meet - sooner or later. But I also can't say that i've totally really moved on cos I still think of him. Is that having moved on? Is that possibly love? gosh, that's such a big word, I don't even know if I qualify for it. I have really no idea..

I've nothing much to say, like i said, i've lost the will/inspiration to blog.. but aiyah, i'm actually surviving really well.. in fact, I'm not 'surviving', i'm LIVING. By God's grace I've been through the toughest part and I am - yes, I AM - coming out stronger in more ways than one (oops, except the physical part).

Emotionally, I've learnt not to hold on to something too tightly; mentally I've learned to see things in different perspectives and accept them; and most of all, spiritually, I've learnt a lot more about God. He - God - is really an awesome God. You know, during those dreadful nights when I prayed, I didn't ask for him back, neither did I pray for a new bf. Instead, I just asked for myself to get out of this misery - and out FAST.

Did i get it? NOPE. not at all. Not until SIX-FULL MONTHS down the road did I realise why God didn't just take me out of this sickly, heart-sunken, lonely and frustrating lifestyle. He taught me a lot of things during this time, that which, I would not exchange it for anything else in life. For the first time, I learnt patience, obedience, and having faith in the unseen. It's because of what I went through could I indisputably SEE God's hand in my life. People have told me that God does things in ways we'll never expect - that was so true. I prayed for a good friend - someone whom I can call buddy, someone whom I can basically call in the middle of the night to talk to, someone i never had before in my entire life. God didn't give me a 'best friend', instead, He PROVIDED many friends by my side, each and their appropriate time to be there for me when i really needed it.. each in their God-perfect, appointed time in my life.

Prayers - with a sincere heart and the right intentions - can really make things happen. I asked for comfort and company, God provided my retired Dad to be there every morning, even when I woke up with tears in my eyes after a horrible dream, not wanting to go all the way to Simei for another hot day at work, only to find out that good ole daddy would follow me all the way there and be with me. I prayed for things to do to occupy my lonely nights, God made me free for new salsa classes - in which I'm making new friends and at the same time, fulfilling my all-time dream of learning dancing. I wanted a car of my own. *POOF!*. It was as if almost that instant.

God Himself is truely so amazing. I'm full of praise for Him. Through my life, He has truely turned my sorrows into praise, my mourning into dancing (heh, almost literally). He could give me more than what I asked for, if not, exact. What more would He give, when I finally ask for THE man soon?

6 movies under my belt. What's next?

I'm not sure what kind of therapy I'm going through or I'm just in the movie mood. Of late i've clocked up the most number of movies watched in two weeks, in my life. the first was High School Musical 2, then Bourne, then came 881, then Hairspray, then Rush Hour 3 and just yesterday, No Reservations. Next, I want Ratatouille.

I used to miss watching movies with my special one - always 'saving' the good ones for us... Now, it's just watch it whenever I've got the chance! It's quite liberating, yet, felt quite empty..like I'm watching for the sake of it. What's wrong?

Ahhh I try not to think about it. I love the music from HSM2 and Hairspray - even bought the CD for the latter show, it pumps me up in the morning on my way to work - and it makes me forget everything. I can't wait for my first dance class where I believe it could be a channel where I could just forget everything, let it go and MOVE on..literally.

Life - what do we really want from it? Earn money, then what? isn't so that we could use it to enjoy life? yup i kinda concluded that quite fast. but isn't that the gist of it? do i really need my honour's degree? do i really need to go to get my masters too? then what? be a doctor? then what, earn more money? work more? then what? get a bf, get married, have kids, plan they studies, work longer, retire.. then what? live grand age, give more hong paos and sit at home wondering if we could help to wipe the flower pots with the cloth..

Ever thought or wished that you could just fast forward life to the very end, where we finally go to paradise? Of course not, therein calls for the desire to not regret and spend every min of life and learn from experiences so that it would be a meaningful, fruitful and glorifying one. before I turn myself to blesphemy, sometimes I really don't want to think so hard anymore. everyone's right - I think too much. I shouldn't think. what's to think? do i need to make sense?

heh maybe it's cos i'm too free. writing this at 1am in view of an 830 class over at simei. painted my nails french again..though i'ld feel happier seeing a pretty sight, but i was wronged. what's happening, is it the hormones? is it my phase in life? am i thinking too much again? or maybe it could just be because it's 1am...

Breaking Free

OOOhhh how life has changed.. Work has been relocated to some place far away now (all the way to Simei), the Love Above All musical is all over with all the blues long gone (even before the reunion!), and life...simply goes on as usual.

Yes, life goes on, Michelle.

It's a lot different now.. I've been trying to fill up the spaces in my life by jio-ing friends for lunches, dinners and stuff..

It's so different now that what used to be a hand to hold, is now a hand in one pocket, and the other holding my purse.

It's so different now that what used to be late suppers/coffee, is now solitude with my com here in the comfort of my room.

It's quite different now that what used to be frequent sms updates of my own whearabouts, is now just all kept to myself.

It's kinda weird now that my Saturday nights and Sunday afternoons are so ... free.

I've just bought the DVD on the pop hit High School Musical's Concert and believe it or not, I've been addicted to the songs and their moves! HAha.. I really love almost all the songs.. really catchy and most of all, it makes me happy.. =) The more I listened to it, I got to the stage where I paid attention to the lyrics. Although most of it is all in the name of rhyme and beat, was just thinking about how i could make use of it. A couple of my favorite songs (erm, actually..almost all are my favorites..haha! i'm such a kid!) is 'Breaking Free' and 'What I've Been Looking For'.. especially the latter song where it says:

'thought i was alone with no one to hold
But you were always there beside me'

I thought about it again..and i realised that I'm really not alone.. He has always been beside me and He will always be. This brings to mind the Footprints story, where in times of darkness, the single pair of footprints was not mine going alone, but His, carrying me on His shoulders.

Wow.. I felt so lifted (pun intended)after that.. heh.

I guess, I no matter how hard I try, or NOT try, I can - and will - move on in life. Thanks for everyone who has been there for me during these hard times..I needed you guys and you could be there for me. It's cos of friends like you guys, that gives me another reason to praise God.

hope

Is hope a dangerous thing?

life is great.

Wow. This is the first picture i've put up in a super long time. that's my bro and i.. love him haha.. two vain/hiao siblings taking pictures in the middle of the night in the spur of the moment. Also cos I've not felt this good for a long time, and just wanted that kodak moment..

Anyway, just had quite a great dinner tonight with Daph (thanks dear!) talking about our school, ex's, life and stuff.. it's quite refreshing and therapeutic to look back and be subtly thankful for where we are right now. I feel really blessed for what has happened to me all this while. Sure I was really angry for the past and mistakes I did (that I sometimes don't really regret that i did them)... But now, i've finally reached the stage where I can see His hand in my life - thank God..

Something worth thinking.

Cursed is the one who trusts in man,
who depends on flesh for his strength and whose heart turns away from the LORD.
He will be like a bush in the wastelands; he will not see prosperity when it ocmes. He will dwell in the parched places of the desert, in a salt land where no one lives.

But blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD, whose confidence is in him.
He will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream.
It does not fear when heat comes; its leaves are always green.
It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit."
Jer 17:5-8

My loving Dad shared this with me the other night when I was down and heavily burdened with my future. I'm not exactly in a state of depression, cos I believe when the Lord is in the picture, things will be alright. Childlike belief - although naiive, innocent and trusting - is what I should have.

Things will truely be alright when we put our whole trust in God. I don't know why that when my life motto is outlined by Prov 3:5 - "Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean NOT on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him and he will make your path straight" (own emphasis added) - and yet, I can't, or rather, DON'T let go of things for the Lord to do his work. I'm a control freak, just like Monica in Friends.

I just came back from my annual church camp over the weekend and with me, I brought pretty good lessons. I won't drag you readers down with the whole sermon, will just point out some stuff relevant to my life now...which is everything haha..
The first day was about getting our feet 'wet' like how Joshua had to step into the waters of Jordon River to know God's work in his (your) life.
The second day was taking our 'Jericho' where we gotta face our life's challenges by trusting God's commands.
The third day was dealing with the sin in our lives, personally, the sin of pride.

Oh well, that pretty much sums up what i took back with me. Basically, I learnt that when we're really in deep s****, it's not that we've no where else to turn, but to God, but if I just thought - if I just turned to God and surrendering to Him the FULL control (really, letting go), things would be different. Trust is such a easy, yet important thing in a person's life. I mean, we trust almost everytime. I trust that my laptop doesn't crash on me right now as i type such a lengthy blog, I'm trusting my house not to fall on me tonight as my family and I take comfort under its roof. But when it comes to things like life matters, it's just so difficult to let go of things and try to do things the way I want it to be - gosh, it's so cliche to say that - I'm so hopeless sometimes. I'm trusting God to handle my life right now and I'm really trying to let go now...I can't do anything right now anyway, nothing's within my control now.

I'm not sure how to end this blog, but who cares, no one's really reading this right..and I don't even think I'll be reading this again. heh.