thank God

Thank God.

Thank God.

My prayers were answered. I'm feeling so much better now.. Everything just seems so right! It's a new start for me.. Even the stress from school (that caused me to have 3 ulcers in a row in my gums) can't bring me down.. Truely.. He's real..

This week had been quite a bad one yet good one for me. I was both physically, mentally and emotionally very stressed by quite a number of things.. I thought I could control it all myself, trying to have this internal locus of control (health psych says it's good..) but it's only good to a certain extent. (Social) Support is imperative and I sought the best support - Jesus Christ. I'm so glad things turned out the way they did. (oh yes, thanks to Shu Ling who read about my ordeal, was so sweet to lend me a whole dvd of Simpsons to enjoy! thanks!)

Everything is there for a reason.
Praise God. =)

This is it.

life goes on huh.

forget about everything i said.

as i said, i was simply trying to wallow in self-pity for a while. it makes me feel good in a way. but i don't mean much of it.

Hardly anyone reads my blog anyway, except anonymous people, so this is kinda like a diary or some sort.

it's a sad life..

I was just checking friendster.. nothing to check much actually.. nobody gives me messages, nobody checks my profie out, nobody bothers about what pics i've put up. ah what the heck, do i really care?

thing is, I do. A bit.

I know most part of me don't really care much about this kind of thing. sometimes i'm the kind who doesn't really care much about what other people think, just wanna get stuff done first. But most of the time, i try to be emphatic, i try to be sensitive..try to bother about what other people think. and that's when i wonder why they do certain things, which reflect what they think.

Anyway, as i was saying, i was just checking friendster and checking out all the pics of my friends.. they and their other friends... I was being ambitious and hoped to find my pic in one any of my friend's pics.. but to no avail. Then i was also thinking that why i hardly put pics of me and my friends.. maybe cos i was attached and filled the bulk of my pics of me and boyfriend. so then i thought, hmmm, if i had no boyfriend, who would be in my pics? who are my close friends who give me good memories?

but what bothered me most was .. in any of my friend's pics.. how come i wasn't in any of them.. issit cos i haven't taken any pics with them? no. I've taken quite a number of them.

it's like, why am i not in those pics of whom i would add in my pics? i.e. , if i consider them as close and great friends, i'll wanna show them off in my pictures, but why aren't i in their's?

this made me reflect on myself again. on me as a whole again. my character, my personality, my idiosyncrasies, my flaws, my mistakes, my tactlessness and everything. this reminded me of my past, when i was also shunned by my primary school mates. my parents ever warned me of my mistakes, and explained that those could be the cause of why i've not many close friends.

sigh. i really just feel like wallowing in self-pity right now, which is exactly what i'm doing here. I know it's useless - i won't feel any better after complaining. it's not like crying, at least after you cry you'll feel better and the problem seems slightly clearer or something.. now it's like. . argh. the problem has been with me since a long time ago.

why don't people wanna go out with me? why won't people wanna have dinner with me? issit simply cos i'm attached? can't be what, i've got friends who are attached too and they've got hell a lot of people who wanna be with them. so attached - out. so, is the problem with them? or ME? chances are, the problem's with ME. I've seen the trend there ever since young. the curse has been following me ever since till now. I'm definitely to blame - at least a part.

*just let me ruminate a bit more..*

I hate myself.

Why am i such a loser?

Why do i often feel alone?

Am I really that unattractive?

Do i repel people?

Why don't friends tease me or make fun of me?

Am i boring?

Why nobody jio's me for lunches/coffees/breaks/partying/surprise parties (you know how much i love surprises!! both for others and myself..)/for anything?!

why don't i have people i know whom i can call my close friends? those that i can call in the middle of the night and bitch about something that bothered me during the day? those that would do likewise to me, without the fear of a rejection? why don't i have friends whom i can go shopping with ? whom i always call to chat?

k i think i may be asking for a bit too much. like i'm trying to be miss popularity. yeah, i've never gotten that feeling. I know many others too. like i said, i'm just wallowing in self-pity. It's a kind of a defense mechanism you know.. hey, what do you know, i do feel better already..

(p.s.: i didn't mean a lot of things that i just said.. it's just to let out some steam...)

there're just so many things on my mind right now...
that i'm on the brink of getting depressed..

smses from the same person

These are another few smses i received from the same caring person these past few weeks. I asked her where she got such encouraging sms-es and she just said it was forwarded or read it from somewhere..

Received: 27 Feb '06 10:13am

"If you look at the world, you'll be distressed.
If you look within, you'll be depressed.
But.....
If you look at Christ, you'll be at peace and rest.
Good morning and have a Spirit-filled week ahead. :-)

Received: 28 Feb '06 1:29pm

The Value of a Woman
This couldn't be said more beautifully............
Be careful if you make a woman cry
because God counts her tears.
A woman came out of a man's rib,
not from his head to be superior over,
but from his side to be equal.
Under the arm to be protected, and
next to the heart to be loved.
Pass this on to all exceptional women that you know (which i did)
... and to men too - so they know the value of a woman....
God bless :-)

Received: 6 March '06 9:31am

Turn not aside, discouraged one,
stir up your gift, pursue your goal.
In God's own time you'll see Him work,
He'll give you hope and lift your soul.

Awful circumstances cannot alter the goodness of God!
Good morning and have a blessed week ahead :-)

I think each sms were worth 3 smses.. But anyways, it's really encouraging to read such things, and that someone cares for you too... =)