I'm so excited...huh?

my birthday's coming!!
not that i can't wait.. but.. i dunno why but i don't really seem excited for it to come. i don't know why but I seem more SCARED than excited for my birthday. Maybe cos i've got too many expectations about it..and worried about what's the worse that could happen.. like .. will it rain (it's sort of an outdoor dinner)? will people turn up? will they enjoy themselves? will they be happy with the way i programmed the party? will they cooperate and dress nicely (according to the dress theme..)and make me happy? will they complain about certain details about my party demands? will i look fat in my birthday dress? will SOMETHING JUST GO WRONG???

sigh.. I don't know.. there was one point in time when i REALLY didn't want a party at all. But my family and Kenley encouraged me to have it - it's a once in a lifetime thing! so.. i was like.. yeah .. i think i WANT this party.. but.. i think i can only pull through that by the grace of God..

Now i've got 2 more reports to do and I'm just so stressed cos .. there's just so much to do! Sigh..
I don't know but i just feel so frustrated now..

Wha. Finally.

I just finished 1 out of my 3 reports for this sem. It was HORRENDOUSLY stressful. the MOST stressful one out of the 3 I can foresee. now that it's over, i've submitted it.. i suddenly feel as if exams are over.

now am in the library.. dreaming about my birthday party coming up .. planning next week and how i need to settle my other two reports.. getting the appeal for sports awards nominations settled... hmm.. it seems like all's well! must really thank God.. maybe also cos the psych report is done.. everything looks so good.. heh.. i've got a sad life!

aiyoh .. but there's nothing sadder now for me than for my little Dino.. His eye got an infection, and according to the doctor, some small grains like pollen (cos he always brush his face along the bushes when i walk him) or dust might have gotten in and he scratches it, causing a cut in his cornea.. goodness.. i hear already also damn heart pain ah.. it got so bad that one night he couldn't even OPEN his right eye. I sent him straight to the vet first thing the next morning.

now he's much better! thank God! and it has only been 3 days.. the vet expected 10 days.. thank God! haha.. then the doc made him wear this collar that looks like a lampshade. but i thought quite pretty aye... like what Little Bo-Peep would wear..

I'm sick again. bleah.

"For I know the plans I have for you
Plans to prosper you and not to harm you
Plans to give you hope and a future."

- God.

What a promise. Such comfort. Hard to believe? Yeah. best thing: IT'S TRUE, and, IT'S FREE. "Huh?? then why am i going through so much suffering? why is my life in such a mess? why are there so many catastrophies in the world?" why this?? why that???? .....

If there were no suffering, would you feel/know when is happiness in your life? ..... If there were no more sickness, would you ever notice God's miracles?..... If there were no sadness, would you ever feel God's grace and comfort?..... If life were smooth-sailing, would God be needed anymore? ..... If you could do everything and anything by yourself, would God ever be GOD anymore?

The Bible predicts of trials and sufferings .. especially when it's near the End Times. You might have heard of 'Rapture', 'Second coming', 'Armaggadon' (oops is that how you spell it..) and 'Judgment Day' just to name a few. Now, we're just getting started..the 'tip of the ice-berg'. Every year ever since 2001, there's been so many disasters - whether man-made or natural. Guess what, the Bible predicts of even worse ones to come.

I've got my fair share of problems and trials. I've been heart-broken dunno how many times...by all my various crushes for example (haha.. ). I've be disappointed by my close ones and myself (definitely). I've had seen people come and go.. There're many things in life that each teach me something. I'm 20. Soon to be 21. Damn young. Still have lots to learn. Each trial helps me grow one notch. I can hear God's soft, gentle prompting to lead me where I'm supposed to go. It's soft and gentle - that's why sometimes I miss it and end up going the wrong way. Thank God, He catches me at the right moment and steers me back.

This is what I call grace. By God's amazing grace, we are saved, we have HOPE, even in the super-darkest hour - something sometimes non-Christians can't grasp. By this, we can get through all these trails, all these sufferings, all these unhappiness happening around us. Just hang in there.

If You Didn't Love Me

If every drop of water disappeared from the land

And every drop of ocean suddenly turned to sand
That would all be nothing
Compared to what I'd feel
If you didn't love me

What if I woke up and couldn't hear a sound
And all that I could see was darkness all around
That would still be nothing
Compared to what I'd feel
If you didn't love me

If I could have the world and all that money could buy
And I could travel far beyond the moon and the sky
If they gave me golden wings,
Well I still couldn't fly
Without you, nothing would matter

You and I walk beside each other day after day
But there's so much inside me
I never get to say
My life would be so empty
With nothing left to feel
If you didn't love me

If you didn't love me...

hmm..

My fingers are frozen. My neck's aching. My eyes are tired and my brain's no longer working.

That's what 5 exhaustive hours in the proverbial central library has done to me this afternoon. Needed to do research for articles for my reports and catch up on my readings - those hours of coaching/tuition are really taking up quite a bit of time! It's in times like these when i just wonder what my peers are doing - have they been studying? how much are they ahead of me? or rather, how far BEHIND am I?? sigh. having countless cummulative commitments filling up my schedule tends to make me forget what my main job is - a STUDENT.

oh yah, i just bought Corrinne May's 1st album!!

Am going for waterpolo later.. sigh.. my elbow is wrecked from one trg session.. am in physiotherapy sessions now and it's working quite a bit considering the amount of help all those icing and ultrasound systems are giving me.. so i'm basically going for training session where my coach may not be there, and where less than half the team might turn up and where I can't even do what i'm supposed to do (goalkeeping) cos of my elbow. So basically i'm just going for the sake of my OWN fitness. Who in the WORLD will care about that? aiyoh i feel like having those Fried Mars Bars at Far East Plaza now.. ....dear i bet you wanna join me right!!

Happy Birthday, Daddy.

Don't worry about that extra line that's creeping up upon your face
It's just a part of nature's way to say you've grown a little more
Trees have rings and thicker branches
Kids shoes get a little tighter
Every year we're getting closer to who we're gonna be
It's time to celebrate the story of how you've come to be

Happy birthday, my friend
Here's to all the years we've shared together
All the fun we've had
You're such a blessing
Such a joy in my life
May the good Lord bless you
And may all your dreams come true
- Corrinne May

That's the song that my dad said he heard the moment he swiched on the car yesterday. We celebrated my dad's birthday last night at RSYC. However, my dad insisted that last night was more of a thanksgiving that my brother and his fiance are back safely from Bali cos on that fateful saturday night, they, and a bunch of friends, were eating at the restuaurant facing Jimbaran Beach. The 1st bomb exploded about 15-20m from them. At first, everyone thought it was a gas leak, so not many reacted dramatically. But hey, they use coconut husks as fuel -- what gas?? Before they knew it, the 2nd bomb exploded 30 seconds later just 5m further down from the first bomb, slightly further away. EVERYONE ran. Madelaine had already tried to pull gor gor as soon as the first one exploded but he didn't really budge, but he very well DID when the second one went off and they headed for the waters. When they called back to tell us folks back home that they were safe, little did we know that they were actually calling us while standing knee deep in the sea water!

IT was quite a reality shock for them - and us - that disaster can strike so suddenly and .. oh man.. we almost lost my BROTHER THERE!!! That's why, during my dad's birthday dinner last night, he insisted that it was more of a thanksgiving for their safely, evidence of God's protection. God has a plan, and His plan for my brother and friends didn't end that night.

Anyway, it was an experience for one and all to learn to cherish all ur loved ones.. cos you really never know when stuff like this strikes.. argh.. saying it gives me the creeps..

(I was surfing the net out of curiosity whether Kenley really looked like Chee Soon Juan. And it was unfortunately true.. This is actually the pic of the nemesis Dr Chee Soon Juan that i found from the web! heh.. )

Everything in its time.

The nightsky one evening outside my place.

Sometimes i wonder what lies ahead, how long till my hunger is fed. They say it's hard to make it in this part of town, so many people on this merry-go-round.

Some folks try astrology, some turn to crystal balls, to find an answer, to get through it all. I just fall on my knees and i try to pray in the silence I can hear Him say..

The river runs and the river hides out to the ocean and under the sky. I promise you, the answer will come. Hold on to ur patience and watch for the sign. Everything in its time.

I often feel like i'm two steps behind. Somebody must have moved that finish line. There are a thousand reasons why i should give up. But i'm stubborn in the things I believe.

The river runs and the river hides out to the ocean and under the sky. I promise you, the answer will come. Hold on to ur patience and watch for the sign. Everything in its time.

'Cause maybe there's another plan, one that I still can't see. A little surprise, like you love in my life. Funny how time changes how we see.

'Cos the river runs...
And the river hides...
Out to the ocean and under the sky.
I PROMISE you, the answer will come.
Hold on to patience and watch for the sign.
Everything in its time.
Everything in its time.....................

- Corrinne May.

thoughts..

Carl's Junior gave me and Kenley a good treat last night - I bought Famous Star (which i think is the most worth it burger.. it's HUGE and super cheap compare to the other burgers! about $4 plus!) then Kenley bought a meal so we shared the drink since it was free flow.. heh. After which we had Anderson's Ice Cream.. mmm.. shiok! had a sundae with mocha almond fudge, hazelnut rocher (with the 'ferrerer rocher' chocolate!) and Danish Nougat - VERY NICE combination! hmmmm...

Heh. I'm taking Able's advice on the colours of my blog.. is it working? thought maybe this might aid reading and where you've stopped since my blogs are sometimes kinda lonnggg... hee sorry.. sometimes i just get carried away and can't seem to stop rattling..

I'm currently listening to Corrinne May and .. I just LOVE her voice.. it sounds quite soothing and controlled.. and the lyrics.. sometimes it's just a story..sometimes it's an expression of gratitude, sometims a lamentation, sometimes about hope. the best thing is, she's a Christian. Some of her songs are referring to God - this makes it even more meaningful.. and not like those soapy love songs on the radio these days.. saying stuff like.. 'oh baby.. i want you back.. if only i can change what i did., you're gone now..' blah blah.. aiyoh.. i hear also heart pain. Anyway, I've got Kenley's CD .. but i'll be getting my own! when i have the money to spare.. sigh.

Oh today I just got a student for piano! My first piano student - private session.. I kinda have got some experience from teaching music in schools the past two years - in primary and secondary school.. so i'll try my best.. (Yes anonymous.. THIS time, I'll really be TEACHING something. Believe it or not.) In fact, i just realised.. i'm very much a teacher.. I coach swimming, I give tuition to a couple of my cousins and now.. i'm to be a piano teacher! yikes! i'm actually venturing into the life that i dun really intend to take up.. haha.. but then.. i'm enjoying it leh.. hmm.. i'll think about it..

Today was IFG and it was quite an experience. We had a bad feeling that Arts would lose out this round cos of a Jac in Business.. heh.. we were right.. Jac did a good job man.. scooping all the golds that she so deserve.. while i.. was eating her bubbles most of the time.. haha.. getting second for all my individual events.. haiyah..i'm always so near yet so far.. like lifesaving also.. this year was my first competition and got 4th for all my events. HAHA. Dui lah.. heh. but nvm..they were fun.. and that's what i look for.. heh. Anyway, overall girls went to Business and Arts got 1st runner up.. while our guys got 1st runner up too, Arts got the OVERALL champ! heh.. that's more impt.. Sulynn and I are quite happy.. considering the circumstances we had.. (lack of swimmers etc..).

I couldn't sleep last night so I started thinking on how to plan for my birthday party. Was thinking of having it at my place - more... homely.. haha.. nah.. it gives me a better feeling i guess.. I've had quite a bit of plans.. but i dun intend to say it here.. it'll be a surprise! (just how i like it. =) )

Gonna be singing tmr at church.. the same solo song again.. My church pastors and those who went for that performance that night said that it was a waste if we performed only once and not the whole church had attended it (cos it was on a saturday instead of normal service day on Sunday). So they suggested we perform some songs during service tmr..

hmm.. I like singing.. in fact.. I LOVE singing.. Last night i also thought how it would be like if I were to sing at restaurants like maybe Wala-Wala.. or hotels with live bands.. that'll be so nice.. love the music and all that goes with it.. it just feels so good.. you know.. like dancing.. especially when dancing to a good song that really gets you.. you just feel so.. shiok! yeah.. I actually considered maybe singing at Wala-Wala! imagining me asking the manager how much it is to join.. or asking one of the band members whether i could join them or something.. haiyoh.. then again, it'll be long term.. and i've already got so many committments.. sighh.. I did think of joining Singapore Idol (yucks..) but nehhh.. it's not my type.. my dad asked me, 'who're you trying to prove?' that kinda got me..anyway what if i make a boo boo on national tv? what if i make it all the way then i lose at the last round? what are my intentions? and besides, i dun need the money, let along the fame and whatever that tags along.. it'll just be a competition and I dun wanna put myself on the line..

Anyway, my back's aching.. i've got some family members over tonight to celebrate my dad's b'day, which is in a few days.. My elder bro just called back from Bali and told us there had been an explosion there..just to let us know that he and mad and their friends are alright.. Man.. God protect them..